It's been a long time...

It's been a long time since I have posted and since I have been up all night I thought, what the hell? So what's been going on in the world of Mister Mayfair you may wonder? Well, since October when I last blogged, i fell in love, got engaged, let go of my apartment to get one with the fiance and got left, ended up homeless and jobless, bouncing from place to place, budumpbum. Eventually I crawled out of the bottom of the bottle I drank myself into a coma with every night and into the bed of anyone I could possibly find and ate everything I could possibly get my hands on. According to psychologist in a less fancy term I was stress fucking and stress eating. Life still has not gotten back to normal, but I can happily say I have grown up a bit, in ways I never thought I would. A few lessons learned will soon be posted because what is the reason for all the bullshit we go through if not to help other people with their problems in similar situations? it will be a series of 10-14 different lessons, I'm not sure exactly how many yet though, only time will tell. Stay tuned. This place about to blow.

Yearning vs. Longing

OK, I know that I am not the only one who gets these two muddled!

Have you ever lost a love? I don't mean at a mall or anything, but really lost some one you were in love with, either by break up or some other form of ending? Of course you have. We all have and we all experience varying degrees of pain, anguish, and frustration.

Clarity about what that anguish is about can help us turn it around, heal and move on...

Yearning vs. longing!

Lets begin with longing, sometimes called pining, is that aching feeling in ones chest that comes with a sense of what has been lost. Usually a past context that is no longer...but wait, there is more!

That longing is very often fueled by our own minds. That's right..usually from a memorialized past. Funny, Fritz Peals once said, "memory and pride had an argument and pride one." Well in this case we remember the past by re creating it in the present. That is a story. Yes, a story. That often leaves out huge peaces of information. A memorialized story about how wonderful it all was, or at the very least, how wonderful it could have been if only....ummmm did I say "if only"?

Yup...I did.....and that is how you can tell if you are experiencing longing...it is a feeling fueled by some very fancy cognitive foot work!

But what about yearning...well...yearning is part of 3 part system...yearning=wanting.

Have you ever noticed when you get a craving for something....you can practically taste it...smell it...and even see it..?

That's more like yearning...an appetite for something...a wanting...so what is the challenge of wanting? The big problem with wanting is that there is no problem with wanting...except that it often is shmoooshed up with getting and not getting.....

So what happens is: wanting is followed by a sense of not having..which is then projected into the future as never going to get...leading to.....disappointment! Now again, this disappointment. However we can do something about this one....if in fact we break these three apart and stay with our wanting we then can use the energy that it comes with to take the actions that potentate getting!!!!!!

Tragedy to triumph

This tip is for those who have lost someone for any reason, from being dumped to a partners demise.

While it could be argued that thier is a huge differnce between the two, there are many similarities if there was a large degree of attachment!

When we enter into a relationship and integrate our lives with another person. As a result we are we are forever changed. Our worlds are intertwined and organized around the other...

I have listened to many describe the void that is created in the lives of those formerly partnered...especially those who have had a partner for several years.

Our daily lives are impacted by our loss:

* sitting across from us a breakfast, lunch, dinner
* an empty bed
* fighting for sink time and mirror space in the bath room
* preparing meals for just one
* making plans with out consulting your partner
* phone check ins to see how the day is going

This list could go on and on...what I am describing here is an empty space that was formerly filled.
It is presence felt by it's absence.

Mourning and grieving are a natural part of loss and is the very thing that heals our pain.
While this is occurring it is sometimes useful to remember and do a few things that can help the process along....

1. You were a whole person before this very important relationship
2. There were things that you did that you stopped doing as a result of this relationship (many good things)
3. This emptiness you feel is in fact space...and it can become potential.
4.Perhaps this is a good time to reconnect with neglected friends(happens in relationships)
5. Talk to someone who knows how to listen with out judgment or at least journal about your feelings.
6. Keep their things around for as long as you need to(warning: if you do that too long the empty space will be filled with sentiment and nostalgia and will prevent you from effectively moving on.
7. This is a time to practice extreme self care

These are just a few of the things to do and remember while you are experiencing a loss.

The pains of unrequited love...

The one you love does not call, text, email or communicate with you often enough..often enough for what though?

Often enough so that your concept of "enough" is satisfied. When that "enough" is satisfied, all is right with the world..or is it?

It is as if to say...If my beloved loved me, then my beloved would call, write, text...etc...but that is only your map. Are you ready to entertain the idea that someone elses map might be different than yours?

You will save yourself a great deal of emotional wear and tear if you do. If you consider that the amount that someone communicates with you has to do with who they are and not really who you are. They may be thinking of you with out calling, communicating or connecting. You may be taking up a great deal of air time in their head with out them acting on those thoughts.

Not all people are working off of your map..so chill out, relax....give the one you love some space.

Now, just for clarifications sake, I am not suggesting that you wait around for someone who is clearly not interested in you, which is really what unrequited love is all about...what I am talking about in this post is when the one you love has shown interest!

If you want to fan the flames of attachment...keep your interactions positive, light and enjoyable!!!!

Changes...

I have recently been going through an almost literal phase of hell. Most know the circumstances of these happenings in my life, some know more than others. I have found that in life there are times when we are forced to do things we don't neccessarily like, but have to do in order to improve and grow. I have come to the conclusion that some ties must be severed with people. Though I may love these people or consider them good friends it is neccessary to prevail in my own life and with these certain people in my life I will only fail. I have made a committment to myself to not make mistakes this time, to not fail and to achieve the things I have been putting off.

Starting this week I am dieting. I find it easier to diet when you are depressed. This three week diet with consist of merely boost and vitamins for the first 12 days. The next 12 days will consist of a herbal/organic remedy of sorts to fully cleanse my system. After this 24 course I will then proceed to follow a stricter diet to keep my body cleansed of toxins with an organic and vegetarian diet. No more smoking, no more drinking.

As far as spiritulaity is concerned whether there is a god above or not I do not know, but as for a need to live by a moral code,I think it is neccessary. Who are we if we do not have morals? I have met many people in my walk through life. Some think sex is for fun and dating is to have something to do. I do not believe this. Sex should be special, it should be passionate, it should be committed. We as a society have been dulled down to think otherwise. I will not date for a year nor have a sexual fling with anyone. It something I need to do for me. Too many mistakes and problems come with promiscuity. Without a moral code to follow through life we fall off the path we are on and wander down other roads. Some of us never get back on the path, some get on it right before it is too late.

In a movie I watched last night with my dear friend Scottie a man asked, "What is the point of living if your life isn't worth living?" You can either take this as a go kill yourself because your life sucks or take it as a message to live a life you can be proud of. I have read a lot from Gretchen Ruben about her life and how she improved on it simply by doing certain things everyday and actually thinking about her actions. I have put up a motivation board, set my goals and have started forth on a path to be my optimum self. I will be blogging every day on my progress, bumps in the road etc. to keep those of you who read my blogs and who like to check in on me can see how things are going.

Cleanliness and Getting Organized

1. "I need to get organized." No! Don't get organized is your first step.

2. "I need to be hyper-organized." I fully appreciate the pleasure of having a place for everything, and perhaps counter-intuitively, I believe it’s easier to put things away in an exact place, rather than a general place (“the third shelf of the coat closet,” not “a closet.”) However, this impulse can become destructive: if you’re spending a lot of time alphabetizing your spices, organizing your shoes according to heel height, creating eighty categories for your home files, etc., consider whether you need to be quite so precisely organized. I find this particularly true with toys – I’ve spent hours sorting pretend food, Polly Pockets pieces, and tea sets, only to find everything a jumble the next day.

3. "I need some more inventive storage containers." See #1. If you get rid of everything you don’t need, you may not need any fancy containers.

4. "I need to find the perfect recipient for everything I’m getting rid of." It’s easier to get rid of things when you know that you’ll be giving them to someone who can use them, but don’t let this kind intention become a source of clutter, itself. I have a friend who has multiple piles all over her house, each lovingly destined for a particular recipient. This is generous and thoughtful, but it contributes mightily to clutter. Try to find one or two good recipients, or if you really want to move your ex-stuff in multiple directions, create some kind of rigid system for moving it along quickly.

5. "I can’t get rid of anything that I might possibly need one day." How terrible would it be if you needed a glass jar and didn’t have one? Do you have gigantic stores of things like rubber bands or ketchup packets? How many coffee mugs does one family use?

6. "I might get that gizmo fixed." Face it. If you’ve had something for more than six months, and it’s still not repaired, it’s clutter.

7. "I might learn how to use that gizmo." Again, face it. If you’ve had a gizmo on the shelf for a year, and you’ve never used it to make gelato or label a sugar jar, it’s clutter.

8. "I might lose a ton of weight and then I’d fit into these clothes again." If you lose a bunch of weight, you’ll want to buy a new pair of jeans, not a pair you bought seven years ago.

9. "I need to keep this as a memento of a happy time." I’m a huge believer in mementos; remembering happy times in the past gives you a big happiness boost in the present. But ask yourself: do I need to keep all these t-shirts to remind me of college, or can I keep a few? Do I need to keep an enormous desk to remind me of my grandfather, or can I use a photograph? Do I need fifty finger-painted pictures by my toddler, or is one enough to capture this time of life? Mementos work best when they’re carefully chosen – and when they don’t take up much room!

10. "I need to keep this, because the person who gave it to me might visit my house and be hurt when it’s not on display." Is that person really likely to visit? Is that person really likely to remember the gift? Will the person really be upset by the lack of viewing of the gift?

11. "If I have any available space, I should fill it up with something." No! One of my Secrets of Adulthood is Somewhere, keep an empty shelf. I know where my empty shelf is, and I treasure it.

Loneliness Test

Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. The book underscores the conclusion that few things will challenge your happiness more than loneliness.

Without thinking it through, I’d assumed that being lonely would make people warmer, more eager for connection, and more accepting of differences in others. If you’re lonely, you’re going to be open to making friends and therefore more easy-going, right?

To the contrary! It turns out that being lonely has just the opposite effect:

--Loneliness “sets us apart by making us more fragile, negative, and self-critical.” (174)

--“When people feel lonely they are actually far less accepting of potential new friends than when they are socially contented.” (180)

--“Lonely students have been shown to be less responsive to their classmates during class discussions, and to provide less appropriate and less effective feedback than non-lonely students.” (181)

--“When people feel rejected or excluded they tend to become more aggressive, more self-defeating or self-destructive, less cooperative and helpful, and less prone simply to do the hard work of thinking clearly.”(217)

--Bonus loneliness tidbit: “People with insecure, anxious attachment styles are more likely…to form perceived social bonds with television characters.” (258)

Loneliness makes us so anxious and worried about rejection that it distorts our thinking and our behavior.

This argument supports the arguments against the two most pernicious happiness myths: Happiness Myth #1—Happy people are annoying and stupid and Happiness Myth #10—It’s selfish to try to be happier. Cacioppo and Patrick make the convincing case that socially contented people (a/k/a happy people) tend to be kinder.

The obvious next question is, “Well, I’m lonely, and I’m not happy. What do I do now?” Loneliness didn’t address that question, alas.

The book includes a quiz so you can score yourself on the UCLA Loneliness Scale. I scored a 36, where a score lower than 28 is low-loneliness; above 44 is high-loneliness; and 33-39 is the middle of the spectrum.