A loss greater than time can heal...pt.3

It is such a heartbreaking statement, his way of asking me if I still love him. And there is no denying it, the candle of my love for him still burns bright and I know it will never fade. This is what he is waiting to hear. I can feel the tension in the air touching my skin and I shiver. The silence seemed to stretch forever and I am dying to tell him the truth, to finally hold him close and have him eternally. But I hold back. It is my conscience holding me back and I face him as I breathed out in a strangled sob:
"I’m sorry. I can’t."
The hurt look on his face is the final blow, but still his mind is communicating with mine, telling me:
Your know you’re the only one. I gave you my love and it’s yours forever.
And although we didn’t touch, I felt his love pour through me like heat from the sun. I cannot bear the sea torture we are flowing through and so I tell him:
Please, don’t do this. You cannot love me anymore. Don’t make it harder for both of us . . .
He threw me one last long look and there I saw gleaming tears running down his face. I hear his barely audible whisper then he was gone, leaving me cold and desolate and as barren as the desert. His goodbye still echoes through my heart.

A loss greater than time can heal...Pt.2

Look at me, his mind silently tells me, please just look at me.
I take in shattered breaths, gathering all the strength I need, uttering a silent prayer to God. I level my gaze to his and his eyes find mine and for a moment, time seemed to stop. There were no words, no actions, only the existence of two minds, two hearts.
I cannot find disdain or contempt on his beautiful face but only questions . . .and hope. He is hoping that I still remember the promise, hoping for my love, for a thousand lifetimes together. I search deep into his eyes and what I find there completely seizes my heart and batters my soul. All my restraint broke and my knees gave way. I collapse into a heap on my knees on the cool glittering sand, his gaze never leaving mine. I break down, helpless tears streaming down my cheeks. I bury my face in my hands, the jacket forgotten as I unconsciously loosen my grip and let it out of my hands, granting it the freedom as it flew with the wind.
A wrenched cry of tormented anguish tears from my chest as the realization strikes me. His eyes tell me that he is floundering in a depth of misery that exceeded even my own. My hands itch to touch his face, to soothe him into a dull peace for both of us. To tell him that everything is alright. But I cannot. An invisible barrier stands between us, keeping me paralyzed and unable to cross the small distance to get to his welcoming arms and be with him.
I need to know . . . please just tell me, he silently begs.
And right then and there, I know that I cannot suffer enough to pay for the agony I have casted upon this beautiful creature.
He is asking me, no, he is silently pleading with me to know why.
I slowly shake my head, the tears flowing from my eyes mingling with the salty air. The waves crash mercilessly on the shore, taking with it my sandals as it retreats back to the ocean. I do not care anymore for I believe that the world has already taken the most important thing from my heart. I’ve got nothing more to lose.
He moves his head in a curt nod as if to accept my decision and it is all I can do not to throw up when I saw the disappointment written all over his face.
He softens his eyes and his face was that of an angel’s. A small nervous smile played across his lips. I brace my palms on the sand, my stomach turning over as I realize what he is asking of me. It has been a long time since I heard him speak and his deep strained voice played like music through my ears:
"Will there still be a place for me in your heart? Even the smallest space will do."

A loss greater than time can Heal..Pt.1

I walk endlessly down the shore, the sea mocking my conscience. I hear the waves whispering its verdict that I am wrong, further crushing the guilt embedded in my soul. I cannot cry no more for the sorrow I feel is too profound, too deep. I look up and see the scattered clouds partially dim the littered stars, tormenting the knowledge that I could never have again the love that I had and lost. I see the crescent moon staring down at me with pity, reminding of the warm and gentle smile on the face I know I could not find in anyone anymore. I turn my face away from that harsh reality, only to be greeted by a cold breeze that seemed like a blow to my already bruised self. Shivering, I pull my jacket tighter around me, forming a barricade that would keep me from the numbing agony creeping through my entire being. In the battle between the conscience and the heart, I fear that it was I who gave the victory over to conscience. And now I must bear the guilt brought by my actions. I have come to accept that destiny for I know that it is what I deserve for hurting the one being that matters to me most.
Hollow. Yes, this is what I am and what I will be for the rest of my life. For I am void of the love that was in the palm of my hands and now gone, because I let it slip from my fingers.
I continue my pace and with every step, I feel the sand sink beneath my feet, filling the spaces between my toes. I know I leave my footprints behind, only to be washed away by the sea. I shall never look back . . .
I hear footsteps muffled by the shingles, slowly coming towards me. Stop. Even though I could not see him, I know he is there. His very presence emits an aura that reaches me and touches the fathomless cave within me, igniting warmth throughout this body. My steps faltered to a stop. I slowly raise my eyes to focus on the figure standing a few yards away from me. My breath caught, I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but it felt like it was paralyzed. My pulse quickened its pace against my will. The sandals dangling from my fingers slowly slipped their way down to land beside my feet.
His white shirt is a stark contrast against the black velvety sky and once more, his beauty astonishes me. And just looking at him only added to the throbbing pain inside me, the agony of losing the exquisite creature that was once mine.
My eyes cannot meet his face for I already know what I will find there-hatred, scorn, and disgust. And I am filled with shame. I stand there, my gaze riveted to the ground, not daring to look up for if I do, if I see into his eyes, it would shatter me to pieces. And then it all comes back to me. I can still remember that night, in this beach. This beach that was witness to our first kiss, that heeded to our whispers of love as we declared souls to each other. It was a night filled with promises of a lifetime together. Our promise that was sealed with the kiss of life and the cry of the ocean.

An exerpt from my book of poetry

In darkness
In darkness he wanders, looking for a light, but finding not a glimmer of solice. Is it his destiny to roam alone through the night?
Many times he thought he felt a brush of someone beside him, but everytime was mistaken. He was not the first to wander down this bleak road, many had come before him, many with him and many after him, but none were their with him now.
It was his destiny, all of their destiny's it seemed to walk in the night and never know love.
Once perhaps they had all found it, but now none would ever know its comfort. He had fond memories. Memories of hopes and dreams, things that had one been a great presence of fulfillment in him, but now they had all been washed away.
Some people thought he chose to walk this path, others thought he was destined. Sone felt pity, some felt hate and some simply did not understand, but it wasn't for any of them to decide. It was his burden to bear.

Small words amount to so much

::profoundWORDS::

::Curiosity tempts us to color outside the lines. Belief gives us the confidence to do so::

::To the world you may only be one person, but to one person you may be the world::

::Ever wonder which hurts more? Saying something you wish you hadn't... Or not saying something and wishing you had...::

::I... LOVE... YOU... Those [3] words... Mean so much... But slowly the echoes start to fade... And only tears remain::

::Being happy doesn't mean that things are perfect; it means that you've decided to look passed the imperfections::

::People will ALWAYS talk about you; might as well give them something to talk about::

::Sick of crying. Tired of trying. Yeah I'm smiling, but inside....I'm dying...::

::People always say hate is such a strong word, but so is love...and people throw it around like it's nothing::

::What hurts more than losing you... is knowing you're not fighting to keep me::

::I'm gonna be me cuz those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter::

::The only guy worth crying over is the one who'd never make you cry::

::Playing dress up is not a sin, judging me is::

::Before you let go, remember the reasons that made you hold on in the first place::

::You're never really living until you've found something worth dying for::

::I'm at this point in my life where I'm just daring someone to push me off the edge, just to see if I'm strong enough to [fly]::

::Behind every "I'm fine" is a mind full of confusion trying to find a way out::

::I don't miss you - I miss the person I thought you were::

::It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun::

::You were the first person to make me feel beautiful::

::People will always talk about you; might as well give them something to talk about::

::I'm more of a man than you'll ever be - and more of a woman than you'll ever get:: ::Angel(RENT)::

::Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back:: ::Marcus Aurelius::

::Life is an unanswered question, but let's still believe in the dignity and importance of the question:: ::Tennessee Williams::

::We are the unwilling, led by the unknowing, doing the impossible for the ungrateful:: ::U.S. Marine::

::Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever:: ::Mahatma Gandhi::

::I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best:: ::Marilyn Monroe::

::It's ok to open up Go ahead and let the light shine through I know it's hard on a rainy day You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone But don't run out on your faith Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand And what you've been out there searching for forever Is in your hands:: ::Carrie Underwood, So Small::

Trying to Grasp Things

P E R F E C T I O N it is said that perfection doesn’t exist. it’s a common idea, and taught that perfection cannot exist. and i think this is terrible. because i see perfection everywhere i go. mix tapes, sincere love, happy tears. there is an extreme gap between perfect and flawless. for me at least. i see perfection in moments and perfection in ideas. it’s a state of mind. some people fit into my life perfectly. never say perfection is intangable.

IWANTTOMEETARTISTS: passion is essential. too many people are simply living, not enough are alive. forget about the plastics’.. the superficial. i want classy, i want trashy. give me anything that breathes with conviction. people who turn love into paintings. people who turn tears into sonnets. people who are afraid of life, but never afraid to live. thinkers, lovers, leaders; i want these artists.

H A N G F R O M M Y W O R D S: i’m in love with capturing details, words, beauty, ideas, moments. my life is a mess of all of them, an absolute mess. i keep them locked in this journal. i simply would rather live my life than sit at a desk and learn about it. i may not know every detail of the respiratory system but i still know how to breathe. and even breathing takes a close second to the circulatory system, my heart can pump blood, as well as compose love.

Why break-ups can be the best thing that's ever happened to your relationship.

Let's face it, we all have those exes we have chased after forever. We've all been in relationships where we broke up over and over and get back together. I guarantee you, we've heard I just want to give me space and we've called crying begging them to be with us. You always hear if you really love them, let them go and if it's meant to be then they'll come back, but do any of us actually ever do it? I have an ex, the first week I thought he was the one, and for the past almost year we have broken up over and over. The other day he said if you really love me and you want me to be happy then stop bringing me down and stop harassing me about everything that I do.

From my stand point I'm thinking, well, you should be down. You should be moping and wanting us to get back together and fix things. Then he said that I needed to let go of my anger and my pain, and I thought you asshole you're the reason why I'm angry and I'm hurt and while that does have justification, he is far from a good boyfriend in the love and caring department, I was the one who was letting it control me to the point where I almost hated him.

I was the one who let all of my pain and anger from past relationships and past events control all my actions and I thought ya know, maybe, if I had let it all go we never would have broken up the second or the third or the fourth and possibly not even the first time. I never let him first and foremost be a friend. He was just my boyfriend, that guy I went to sleep with at night, he was the one who kept me from being alone and although I love him, I never loved him the way I should have and when we were together and when he wanted to go out occassionally with friends I always thought no we should go out together, thats what couples do, but now being single and being away from him, I totally understand that you can't miss somebody, you can't have that fire in a relationship, you can't want them so bad you can't see straight if you don't have some time apart. Maybe that's why rellationships fail, we are too centered on being together and a couple rather than two individuals who choose to be together, but still need their freedom every once in a while.

So my advice is if you've broken up with an ex, leave him alone and if he comes back, he does, if he doesn't, he doesn't, but remember that's only half of it. You need to take time for yourself to heal and get over whatever issues you had with him. A relationship only works when both people are in the relationship are complete and you can't be complete and stable when you have drug issues, or addictions or you lie constantly or when you're so angry and hurt you don't want to get out of bed. You are in control, don't let something control you. Go out, have fun and RELAX! That's the best thing you can do and nine out of ten times you're ex is going to miss you and come back to you and it's going to finally work because there's nothing standing in your way. You only have your future. If he doesn't come back then fuck him. Guys are notoriously idiots and whores.

For those of you with boyfriends who are asking a little space, let them have it. If they cheat, they cheat. Big woop, but a relationship is not about control, it's about being partners and paying attention to the other persons needs. Who knows if you let him go out with the boys, he may actually come home and tell you he missed you for the first time in months. Listen. Love. Learn.